2.13 【情人节 · 双语美文】会伤害亲密关系的九句话，最好别说…

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Nothing good can come of telling your spouse “you sound just like your mother.”

若你对你的伴侣说，“你说话和你妈一个德性”，看吧，那之后准没好事。

When you’re married or in a long-term relationship, some things are better left unsaid.

Below, marriage therapists and other experts share 10 phrases and statements to strike from your vocabulary now.  

假如你结婚了或处于长期的恋爱关系中，有些话最好烂在肚子里。婚姻治疗师和其他专家们建议，下面这九句话最好别再说了。                       

1.       “You never do the dishes. You always just leave them sitting there.” 

“你从来不洗碗，总在那堆着。”

The dishes are a placeholder for pretty much anything here. Whatever the issue, using accusatory blanket terms like “never” and “always” tends to end the same way every time: with you and your boo engaged in an overblown argument. Plus, there’s a good chance your generalization is wrong, said Samantha Rodman, a psychologist in Takoma Park, Maryland.

这里的“碗”可以换成很多其他东西。不管是什么，用“从不”、“总是”等一概而论地指责只会带来一个结果：那就是言过其实、夸大其词的争吵。而且，美国马里兰州蒙哥马利学院塔科马公园分校的心理学家萨曼莎·罗德曼说，这种一概而论的说法很可能是错误的。

“Nothing is black and white so telling a partner that she’s never on time or he’s always selfish can’t be right,” she told The Huffington Post. “These types of statements only lead to a prosecutor-defendant dynamic, which is not what you want in your marriage.”

罗德曼在《赫芬顿邮报》上说，“凡事都无绝对，所以，说你的伴侣从来不准时或总是很自私，这都是片面的。说这种话只能引发一场激烈的辩论，这在婚姻中并不是你所想要的。”

2. “You sound exactly like your mother.”  

“你说话和你妈一个德性”

When arguing, stick to the issue at hand and keep the focus on the two of you. Introducing nasty comparisons to your in-laws is unfair and ultimately a diversion from your problems, said Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, a marriage and family therapist and the author of A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage. 

在争吵时，记得就事论事，不要把矛头指向你俩以外的人。莎郎·吉尔彻雷斯特·奥尼尔（Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill）是一位婚姻家庭治疗师，也是《幸福婚姻小指南》（A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage）的作者。她说，把你的亲家拿来比较，说些难听的话，这是不公平的，最终也会让你忘了原本要解决的问题。

“Mentioning parents can easily become mean-spirited attacks that interfere with the couple’s ability to address the underlying issues,” she told HuffPost.  

她在《赫芬顿邮报》上说，“伴侣吵架时提及对方父母很可能成为一种刻薄的攻击，不利于两个人解决根本问题。”                                    

3. “You think you’re better than everyone else!” “你以为别人都不如你吗！”

Never put words in your partner’s mouth or in this case, thoughts in their head. There’s no way of knowing what someone is feeling or thinking, so keep the assumptions to yourself, said Becky Whetstone, a marriage and family therapist in Little Rock, Arkansas.

永远别对你的伴侣说这句话，也不要让他\她这样想。美国阿肯色大学小石城分校的婚姻家庭治疗师贝基·惠茨通（Becky Whetstone）说，你不可能知道别人的感受或想法，所以，这句话还是不要说出口为好。

“These statements are aggravating because your spouse knows that what you’re accusing them of is not true,” she said. “What you’re saying suggests you don’t think very highly of your S.O. It’s a double dose of pain in one sentence.”

她说，“这样的话很让人恼火，因为你的伴侣知道你的指责是不正确的，而且这么说表示你对你的伴侣并不满意。这一句话带来的伤害是双重的。”                

4. “Do I look like I’ve put on weight?”  

“我是不是胖了？”

Questions about weight or changes in looks are the “oldest grenades in the marriage script,” said Robyn Wahlgast, a dating and relationship coach for woman.

萝缤·沃尔加斯特（Robyn Wahlgast）是一位女性婚恋专家，她说，关于体重和外貌变化的问题是“婚姻中一枚最传统的手榴弹。”

“What you really mean by asking this is, ‘I know I’ve put on weight. I’m unhappy about how I look and I need you to say that you’re OK with my current state.’” she said. “These types of questions are all about side-stepping personal responsibility, plus they force your partner into an enabling role.”

“问这样的问题，你其实是想说，‘我知道我胖了，我对我的外表很不满意，我想听你说，就算这样你也喜欢我。’问这样的问题纯粹是回避个人责任，而且还把责任强加到了你的伴侣身上。”

5. “Have you put on a few pounds?”

 “你是不是胖了？”

Blunt, negative remarks to your spouse about his or her appearance are also out of line.

对伴侣的外表进行直接批评也是不合适的。

“Unconstructive criticism of physical appearance is as bad as it gets,” Whetstone said. “It’s painful because you’re suggesting that your partner isn’t good enough or that they’re less than or defective.” 

惠茨通说，“对于外表的非建设性批评很不合适，这对你的伴侣是一种伤害，因为这表明你的伴侣不够好，或者有缺陷。” 

6. “You’re a horrible parent, breadwinner, lover...” 

 “作为家长（或一家之主、爱人）你真是差劲”

Put-downs centered around your spouse’s family or occupational roles are particularly cruel, said M. Gary Neuman, a psychotherapist based in Miami Beach, Florida. 佛罗里达州迈阿密滩的心理治疗师加里·纽曼（M. Gary Neuman）说，对于你的伴侣的家庭或职业身份进行贬低是一件特别残忍的事。

“Negative statements about our self-identities are devastating,” he said. “These roles are so important and tender. When they’re questioned, we feel completely torn down. It becomes hard to forget statements like this.”  

他说，“对于自我认同的消极评价是毁灭性的。这些身份认同很重要，也很脆弱。在自我认同受到质疑时，我们会受到很大的打击，也很难原谅这些话。”     

7. “Ugh, I hate when you do that.” (Said in front of friends or family.)

 “哎，我讨厌你这样做”（在亲朋好友面前）

Putting your spouse down in front of others is a huge no-no in a relationship, said Whetstone.

惠茨通说，当众批评对方是伴侣关系中的一大禁忌。

“In this example, you are gathering people against your spouse — and what is worse than that? It is hard to recover from such a boundary violation,” she said. “It causes resentment and a lack of trust.” 她说，“假如你集结一帮人和你的伴侣唱反调，有什么比这更糟糕？这是一种难以原谅的越界，会导致憎恨和信任的丧失。”                               

8. “I barely know him — he’s just someone I work with.”  “我和他不熟，他只是个同事。”

It’s almost inevitable that you or your partner will develop a small, innocent crush on someone at some point during your marriage. If that happens, be upfront about it. Don’t try to sweep it under the rug with a statement that minimizes your feelings, said Wahlgast. 

婚后，难免你或你的伴侣会不经意对别人产生好感。假如这种情况真的出现了，要坦诚面对。沃尔加斯特说，不要试图轻描淡写，遮遮掩掩。

“The best way to neutralize the potential destructiveness of your crush is to briefly and simply acknowledge it to your spouse,” she said. “Try saying to your husband, ‘I know it sounds ridiculous, but I have a bit of a crush on that new consultant. He’s so funny — his sense of humor reminds me of yours.’”

她说，“要想避免这种好感可能带来的破坏，最好的方法是向你的伴侣简短而直接地坦诚你的想法。你可以试着对丈夫说，‘听起来可能荒谬，但我对那个新来的顾问还挺有好感。他挺有意思，他的幽默感让我想到了你。’”

Though it may be an uncomfortable subject to broach, ultimately, Wahlgast said being transparent about your feelings “will create more openness with your partner. You’ll each feel more comfortable bringing up other taboo subjects in a kind and respectful way.” 

尽管谈论这个话题可能会让人不舒服，但沃尔加斯特说，终究来看，坦诚你的感受“可以让你和伴侣之间的关系更加透明。你们今后都会更加舒服地以一种相互尊重的方式谈论其他禁忌话题。”    

9. “You shouldn’t feel that way.” 

.“你不该那么想。”

There’s nothing more belittling or condescending than telling your spouse what he should or shouldn’t be feeling in any given situation, Rodman said.

罗德曼说，告诉你的伴侣在某种情况下该怎么想、不该怎么想，这是一种特别居高临下的方式。

“There is no right or wrong way for someone to feel,” she said. “Feelings are what they are; try to understand your partner and be curious about his experience rather than dismissing what you don’t understand.”

她说，“感受不分对错，感受是客观存在的，要试着理解伴侣，对他的经历保持好奇，而不是对你所不理解的东西表示轻视。”